So what is it with banks, anyway?

A week or two ago our bank sent us letters outlining the different options available to reduce fees on our cheque accounts. My transaction charges are ridiculously high, so it sounded like a good idea to me. They offer either a flat monthly rate for a certain maximum number of transactions, or no fees at all provided you keep a certain minimum monthly balance in the account. So far, so good.

The following was printed on the letter.

"Contact us at:
Call Centre
08600 12345."

So naively, I contact them at the Call Centre.

"I have a cheque account with this bank, and I'd like to switch to the Management Fee option, please."
"Oh, no, you'll have to call your branch about that."
"Ah".

I call the branch.

"I have a cheque account with this branch, and I'd like to switch to the Management Fee option, please."
"Oh, no, we can't do that."
"Why is that?"
"You have to come in to the branch."
"Why is that?"
"You're not able to do it over the phone."
"Why is that?"
"We don't really have the staff to handle this sort of thing telephonically. Anyway you have to sign a form."
"Oh, good, can you fax me the form then and I'll sign it and fax it back to you?"
"Oh, no, we can't do that."
"Why is that?"
"You have to come in to the branch."

What are they worried about here exactly? Some evil ne'er-do-well is secretly going to pose as me on the phone and fraudulently adjust my cheque account fees? Or fake my signature on a fax with the evil intent of saving me 200 bucks a month?

Not to mention our home loan, with a different bank.

Which is paid off. As in, we no longer owe them any money.

And for which they've just deducted another payment from my cheque account. What, their software can't do a simple check for a zero balance?

Blech.