I am feeling pretty horrible right now.

I just found out this morning that I have an opportunity to go to a course in Cape Town next week (Monday to Friday). After twelve hours of Bad Mother agonising, and indecision, I put the idea to the kids this evening.

It did not go well.

Lauren sobbed for a good ten minutes about my being gone for the week. As she was eating chicken casserole at the time, this was a very messy experience for her to have and for us to witness.

Felt rather awful. And in desperation played the I'll-bring-you-back-a-surprise-from-Cape-Town card. This helped a lot. She loves presents. Still I think it is going to be hard for her.

Danny was the least bothered of the three of them. He probably can't anticipate what it will entail exactly.

Robyn instead was quiet initially but has become more and more upset over the last two hours. The kids will have to go to after-care for the week, as Peter is busy with deadlines and won't be able to work from home in the afternoons (as he did when I taught an all-day course for a week some time last year). In fact if he weren't so busy it would probably be him going rather than me. The after-care is actually at the school which Danny attends, and which the girls used to attend. Robyn detests being bored (literally finds it painful) and is distraught at the thought of sitting there from 2pm until 5pm every day. She will have books to read, homework to do, and Lauren and Danny with her, but is still dreading it.

The kids will also, unless Peter magically has an opportunity to help out, miss out on all their usual extra-mural activities.

Sigh.

It is hard to know how to strike the right balance. Because I don't typically go gallivanting around the country, and because week after week, and school holiday after school holiday, I orchestrate things around them (I wouldn't want to do otherwise), does that mean I shouldn't feel too guilty about one week for me? Or should I always put their preferences first? I could easily tell people at work I can't go. They'd understand and pick someone else. I'd be missing out on a really good opportunity though.

Just to make my Bad Mothering Badder, Peter and I are both going to be away from the kids this Friday night for a work strategy thingy which runs from Friday morning to Saturday lunchtime.

I have to decide about the course either way by tomorrow morning.

Mull, mull, mull.